This morning I woke up with happy thoughts but then it was soon upsetted by a blackberry incident. It is so darn irritating to the point of heart breaking.
Sorry folks. Actually I think I should start another blog just to let off my steam as being homemaker.
I just failed to understand why when I chose to stay home to try to become a better mother, always ended up feeling so shitty.
I used to be a very independent woman. I had very good exposure via the nature of my work. My past work experiences exposed me to all walks of life, from street people to royalty. I know my mannerism from fine dinning to hawker fare. As I am observant to my surrounding for I am good with my eyes. I am adaptable and also very hardworking. My back packing days also taught me about the world. I was able to enjoy the fruit of my labour as I was also financially independent.
I gave all that up for the sake of my kids but does that mean that my past experiences in life are all wiped off?
That now, I am just a homemaker who only knows baby talk or a frog in the well with no idea about the world. Or I am no longer qualified to make joint decision or even hold a conversation about the business world?
Already demonstrated that most thoughts that I shared had already been proven that I am not dumb! Damn! I may be a homemaker but I am not brain dead!
I deserve more respect as a wife, as a mother and most importantly as a human being!
I don’t have good in-law support and thus I managed my kids practically on my own when my parents can’t provide random help. Even to the point when I am on hospitalization leave, there isn’t a break for me as well. Two days after my operation, I have to be back onto my feet and ferrying my kids. My friends think I am dumb not to hire a school bus service. Yes, I am definitely dumb at that moment.
Such is my tai tai life isn’t it? For some people, I am the luckiest woman who is able to do this but who exactly understand what I am actually going through? Sometime money is not the solution to all problems. What about respect?
I am pissed as you can tell. I am hurt as you know but I am not dead!
No matter how I feel, life still must function and goes on.
Today was a busy day for me. Initial plan was grocery shopping but I decided against it as I wanted to plan for a full dim sum menu.
As I go about my har kow (prawn dumpling) preparation, it didn't turn out as easy as I thought it will be. I had a tough time working on the dough (new recipe). As I work on it, with my upset emotion, I didn't enjoy it at all. I can feel myself working up my blood pressure and all my dumplings turned out to be horrendous. I threw the remainder raw dough into the bin.
The saying goes, happy cook produces happy food. I am at this moment, going in the opposite direction. Initially I wanted to shelf off the bao making plan but decided to go for it as hubby was leaving tomorrow and won’t be home for ONE WHOLE week.
I regretted that decision. For after waiting for my girl to be done with her tuition, and by the time we reached home, it was already 7ish.
Immediately, I set down my bag and washed my hands and started pinching my dough and filling it. Sent it to the steamer as quickly as possible as my girl was already complaining that she was hungry.
My helper had already served the siew mai, har kow and glutinous rice on the table.
By the time the pau went into the steamer, and I was ready to sit at the dinner table. Only my kids were there for me.
How shitty I felt. A meal that I planned for him seems like some take away. I felt so angry and I felt STUPID.
I should not have bother about it at all.
Anyway, here are some of the items that I had done. This is the worst meal I taken in a long time.
Har Kow (Prawn dumpling). This is my all time favourite. Eating this also helps me to gauge the standard of the restaurant that I dined in.
Unfortunately, these turned out to be horrible. Not only are they ugly, the skin was way too tough. Don’t ask me why for I have no answer. I threw the whole plate away.
BTW, I found out why it was tough because I realised that potato starch and sweet potato starch are two different type of flours! Well, I learnt something now.
Siew Mai. My mom and I disliked eating this. It is generally loaded with fats and I do feel yucky eating it. So with homemade, I am able to control the level of fats used. Surprisingly, siew mai is not all minced pork. There are two layers to this little morsel, half layer of pork and the other layer is minced prawns. I am unable to get crab roe so I replaced it with chopped carrots just to beautify it a little.
At least these are nice.
Glutinous Rice, supposedly to be wrapped in lotus leaves but I was not able to find them. I guess there must be some specialty store that sells them.
I didn’t eat this as I am no longer in the mood.
Most loved are Char Siew Pau and Chicken Pau. Though not pretty, it is definitely delicous. Thanks to Do What I like’s recipe.
A wasted effort as these were left untouched except by me and my girl.
I am definitely not feeling sweet today. I seriously thinking of joining back the work force but what about my little girl?
For my pride or for my girl, a choice that I find it so hard to make.