Thursday, March 31, 2011

Am I a frog in a well?

This morning I woke up with happy thoughts but then it was soon upsetted by a blackberry incident. It is so darn irritating to the point of heart breaking.

Sorry folks. Actually I think I should start another blog just to let off my steam as being homemaker.

I just failed to understand why when I chose to stay home to try to become a better mother, always ended up feeling so shitty.

I used to be a very independent woman. I had very good exposure via the nature of my work. My past work experiences exposed me to all walks of life, from street people to royalty. I know my mannerism from fine dinning to hawker fare. As I am observant to my surrounding for I am good with my eyes. I am adaptable and also very hardworking. My back packing days also taught me about the world. I was able to enjoy the fruit of my labour as I was also financially independent.

I gave all that up for the sake of my kids but does that mean that my past experiences in life are all wiped off?

That now, I am just a homemaker who only knows baby talk or a frog in the well with no idea about the world. Or I am no longer qualified to make joint decision or even hold a conversation about the business world?

Already demonstrated that most thoughts that I shared had already been proven that I am not dumb! Damn! I may be a homemaker but I am not brain dead!

I deserve more respect as a wife, as a mother and most importantly as a human being!

I don’t have good in-law support and thus I managed my kids practically on my own when my parents can’t provide random help. Even to the point when I am on hospitalization leave, there isn’t a break for me as well. Two days after my operation, I have to be back onto my feet and ferrying my kids. My friends think I am dumb not to hire a school bus service. Yes, I am definitely dumb at that moment.

Such is my tai tai life isn’t it? For some people, I am the luckiest woman who is able to do this but who exactly understand what I am actually going through? Sometime money is not the solution to all problems. What about respect?

I am pissed as you can tell. I am hurt as you know but I am not dead!

No matter how I feel, life still must function and goes on.

Today was a busy day for me. Initial plan was grocery shopping but I decided against it as I wanted to plan for a full dim sum menu.

As I go about my har kow (prawn dumpling) preparation, it didn't turn out as easy as I thought it will be. I had a tough time working on the dough (new recipe). As I work on it, with my upset emotion, I didn't enjoy it at all. I can feel myself working up my blood pressure and all my dumplings turned out to be horrendous. I threw the remainder raw dough into the bin.

The saying goes, happy cook produces happy food. I am at this moment, going in the opposite direction. Initially I wanted to shelf off the bao making plan but decided to go for it as hubby was leaving tomorrow and won’t be home for ONE WHOLE week.

I regretted that decision. For after waiting for my girl to be done with her tuition, and by the time we reached home, it was already 7ish.

Immediately, I set down my bag and washed my hands and started pinching my dough and filling it. Sent it to the steamer as quickly as possible as my girl was already complaining that she was hungry.

My helper had already served the siew mai, har kow and glutinous rice on the table.

By the time the pau went into the steamer, and I was ready to sit at the dinner table. Only my kids were there for me.

How shitty I felt. A meal that I planned for him seems like some take away. I felt so angry and I felt STUPID.

I should not have bother about it at all.

Anyway, here are some of the items that I had done. This is the worst meal I taken in a long time.

Har Kow (Prawn dumpling). This is my all time favourite. Eating this also helps me to gauge the standard of the restaurant that I dined in.

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Unfortunately, these turned out to be horrible. Not only are they ugly, the skin was way too tough. Don’t ask me why for I have no answer. I threw the whole plate away.

BTW, I found out why it was tough because I realised that potato starch and sweet potato starch are two different type of flours! Well, I learnt something now.

Siew Mai. My mom and I disliked eating this. It is generally loaded with fats and I do feel yucky eating it. So with homemade, I am able to control the level of fats used. Surprisingly, siew mai is not all minced pork. There are two layers to this little morsel, half layer of pork and the other layer is minced prawns. I am unable to get crab roe so I replaced it with chopped carrots just to beautify it a little.

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At least these are nice.

Glutinous Rice, supposedly to be wrapped in lotus leaves but I was not able to find them. I guess there must be some specialty store that sells them.

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I didn’t eat this as I am no longer in the mood.

Most loved are Char Siew Pau and Chicken Pau. Though not pretty, it is definitely delicous. Thanks to Do What I like’s recipe.

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A wasted effort as these were left untouched except by me and my girl.

I am definitely not feeling sweet today. I seriously thinking of joining back the work force but what about my little girl?

For my pride or for my girl, a choice that I find it so hard to make.
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17 comments:

  1. Hello Edith,
    I've been wanting to quit working and be stayhome mum/wife for the longest time. Had the opportunity recently but I chicken out.
    I hate to think of the cruel but careless comments my better half may pass as the sole breadwinner.
    Much as I wish to be here for my children, the pride that comes with financial independence is precious to me.
    I salute you and all my SHM friends. Jiayou!
    think of the sweet moments
    Warmest regards,
    Mave

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi dear,

    I love your Loh mai gai! It looks really good! I always enjoy this.

    I definitely know what and how you feel. May be he has some important issue in his mind from work??

    Whatever it was, am pretty sure you are a great mom and wife!

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you look at all your posting, you will whine about everything especially your son. What do you think he is going to think about you when he get to read your blog one day. Woman, this is part and paarcel of being a mother and wife. Get over it!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I understand perfectly how you feel as I feel that too sometimes. It's sad some people tend to value and respect career advancements/financial contributions more than intangible contributions of a homemaker.

    It's easy to measure one's career performance in terms of targets/figures....but how does one even put a value on how well a household is being run, taken care of and loved?? Without a value attached to it, these very important aspects of a homemaker's contributions are often too easily taken for granted.

    They think it's easy life not having to work and deal with difficult bosses/colleagues/clients. If you are a tai-tai (as in the chanel bag toting, go for high tea with friends, play mahjong while the domestic helpers do the housework and look after the kids type).....then at least yes, it's an easy life.

    But if you are the one who works so hard to put lovely meals on the table, ensures that the house is spick-&-span, the clothes are freshly laundered and nicely ironed, the kids learn the rights from wrongs and still make it in time for all their acitivites.....no, I really don't think it's an easy life. And that's not to mention having to put up with people thinking your contribution is minimal and their lack of respect for you as a highly capable individual.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Edith,
    I totally agree with Mave. I salute all SAHM. It's truly not easy to manage the children and the household. The life just evolved around these. I think it might be good for you to have a talk with your hubby. Maybe he doesn't understand the high stress that you're dealing at home. Perhaps he cannot see it at the same level as you.
    Whatever it is, I'm sure you are truly a wonderful mum and dutiful wife! Don't lose hope, and don't get angry.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Mave, it took me three solid years to get use to being a homemaker and using "someone's else" money. There are pros to it as you get to witness all the FIRST's of your kids.

    The downside is that expectation out of stayhome mom is also there. As your kids grow, the needs changed and we have to learn to cope with these changes and something it can be extremely difficult.

    Who knows, you might be a stronger person than me and able to handle it better.

    Honey boy, perhaps and I wish I can think that way.

    Anonymous,
    I am sorry that you see only the empty cup of water. I do blog about happy thoughts too, unfortunately you are selective.

    Perhaps you have kids that are such angels that you do not encounter difficulties of bringing up kids. Sad news for me, I am not as lucky as you.

    I share my feelings with my son openly and I have no shame if he reads it. In fact, I welcome to read my blogs so that he can know my feelings and thoughts.

    You definitely will not understand what I went through for the last 5 years odd, so I doubt you can really understand the whole picture of what is going through my household day to day.

    I do not know whether I appreciate you putting your view across so strongly and being JUDGED by you but nevertheless, if you prefer to read a happy blog then I am sure my blog is not what you are looking for.

    For it is a blog about my precious moments, be it unhappy or happy. Be it positive or negative. It is my feeling and if I am a negative person, this is what I am.

    Tania, it is true that we are the forgotten lots by the govt and what you mentioned is so true. The only way to measure our achievement is when our kids grow up to be a gracious citizen who has values and that is a long way before we see whether we are successful parents or not.

    Passionate About Baking, thanks dear. Perhaps that is what exactly my hubby feels "my life just evolved around these" and thus I am no longer qualified to have an input and I hope I am really a wonderful mum and dutiful wife!

    Whatever it is, I am not angry but rather hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow! So many yummy dimsum here, and all looks incredibly mouth-watering!

    Be strong! I'm not good in wording, but I'm sure whoever get to know you, certainly agree that you are really a great, big-hearted, and wonderful mom!

    ReplyDelete
  8. ES,

    Hi there, am the mum who popped head into your car to say hi not too long! Always wanted to drop a message but each time just getting interrupted and then forgot. Don't know is that due to becoming a homemaker or am not making my brains work more.

    Just want to tell u that whenever I can go online, I like to go to your site. My son loves pancakes and your pancakes are the best. Better than the rest from the very few books I have. Thanks for sharing.

    Am an elementary cook but I try to cook as best for the kids. I really take my hat off for u, for your ability to manage your kids and cooking/baking such wonderful food for your family.

    You are doing great!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks DG.

    Hey I know who you are. hahaha... Thanks for finally dropped by my blog's comment box. Love to hear more from you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi Edith, I don't know why, but it seems like SAHMs are the least respected 'minority' here. I am not surprised if someone were to ask me whether I have any voting rights, lolz!

    I hope you can hang on, just for your girl's sake. Your children will appreciate what you have done for them when they grow up and eventually have their own kids. They are the ones that matter most.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Edith, all SAHM will FULLY understand what you are going through. Just rant it out whenever you feel like it. Bottoming it up is bad for health. I've always feel you're doing a great job, much better than me. You're one of those I look up to. Recently I met a father who is taking a break and staying at home. He told me only when he was doing what his wife had been doing that he knows it's not easy. Perhaps one day we should just run away from home and let those at home sense how important we are. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's not easy to be a SHM. This is my 11th year being one:-) I do find joining a mothers' group in church a real support as homemakers. Our time and effort invested into our kids will pay off in the future. We only have limited time with them and once they grow up, we become "expired product"-we reap what we sow now into their lives!! Cheer up, may be should let yr hubby read yr blog too so he knows how you feel.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Happy Homebaker I guess it has to do with our society even the govt don't recognise us so why should the rest..

    I bare my soul to him and he finally understood. Hope things will be better.

    KWF, I guess only SAHM will understand each other. Thanks for the listening ears.

    I kudo to that father for he is very brave. Having kids makes you think twice about running away. hahaha.

    Linda, I joined a course not too long ago and this group of people are really wonderful. Wow 11th years, I admire your patience and I pray I have tons of them. Yes, I know my kids will grow up and leave some day and I hope that I will bring up good citizen and person for the society.

    BTW, the reason why I blog is also because my hubby reads my blog whenever he can esp when he is away. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Edith,
    I know what you mean. I believe all SAHMs have the same experience as you, except for those real "tai tais" who are branded from head to toe, frequent shopping malls and go for regular afternoon tea sesions.

    Blogging is an avenue for me to vent my frustations too, and I find it very therapeutic. Unfortunately, I'm unable to blog as much as I like now. Just vent, this is YOUR blog.

    And like you, I blog mainly because my husband reads my blog whenever he has time. So certain things that don't get across to him through words in person, I try another avenue to express myself ie through blogging.

    Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Mave, it took me three solid years to get use to being a homemaker and using "someone's else" money. There are pros to it as you get to witness all the FIRST's of your kids.

    The downside is that expectation out of stayhome mom is also there. As your kids grow, the needs changed and we have to learn to cope with these changes and something it can be extremely difficult.

    Who knows, you might be a stronger person than me and able to handle it better.

    Honey boy, perhaps and I wish I can think that way.

    Anonymous,
    I am sorry that you see only the empty cup of water. I do blog about happy thoughts too, unfortunately you are selective.

    Perhaps you have kids that are such angels that you do not encounter difficulties of bringing up kids. Sad news for me, I am not as lucky as you.

    I share my feelings with my son openly and I have no shame if he reads it. In fact, I welcome to read my blogs so that he can know my feelings and thoughts.

    You definitely will not understand what I went through for the last 5 years odd, so I doubt you can really understand the whole picture of what is going through my household day to day.

    I do not know whether I appreciate you putting your view across so strongly and being JUDGED by you but nevertheless, if you prefer to read a happy blog then I am sure my blog is not what you are looking for.

    For it is a blog about my precious moments, be it unhappy or happy. Be it positive or negative. It is my feeling and if I am a negative person, this is what I am.

    Tania, it is true that we are the forgotten lots by the govt and what you mentioned is so true. The only way to measure our achievement is when our kids grow up to be a gracious citizen who has values and that is a long way before we see whether we are successful parents or not.

    Passionate About Baking, thanks dear. Perhaps that is what exactly my hubby feels "my life just evolved around these" and thus I am no longer qualified to have an input and I hope I am really a wonderful mum and dutiful wife!

    Whatever it is, I am not angry but rather hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I understand perfectly how you feel as I feel that too sometimes. It's sad some people tend to value and respect career advancements/financial contributions more than intangible contributions of a homemaker.

    It's easy to measure one's career performance in terms of targets/figures....but how does one even put a value on how well a household is being run, taken care of and loved?? Without a value attached to it, these very important aspects of a homemaker's contributions are often too easily taken for granted.

    They think it's easy life not having to work and deal with difficult bosses/colleagues/clients. If you are a tai-tai (as in the chanel bag toting, go for high tea with friends, play mahjong while the domestic helpers do the housework and look after the kids type).....then at least yes, it's an easy life.

    But if you are the one who works so hard to put lovely meals on the table, ensures that the house is spick-&-span, the clothes are freshly laundered and nicely ironed, the kids learn the rights from wrongs and still make it in time for all their acitivites.....no, I really don't think it's an easy life. And that's not to mention having to put up with people thinking your contribution is minimal and their lack of respect for you as a highly capable individual.

    ReplyDelete
  17. ES,

    Hi there, am the mum who popped head into your car to say hi not too long! Always wanted to drop a message but each time just getting interrupted and then forgot. Don't know is that due to becoming a homemaker or am not making my brains work more.

    Just want to tell u that whenever I can go online, I like to go to your site. My son loves pancakes and your pancakes are the best. Better than the rest from the very few books I have. Thanks for sharing.

    Am an elementary cook but I try to cook as best for the kids. I really take my hat off for u, for your ability to manage your kids and cooking/baking such wonderful food for your family.

    You are doing great!

    ReplyDelete

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